Our Journey – Pre-Natal Depression #1

Being mum is just….. It’s a lot if things really. Depression being one of them…..and i really do hope these posts help other mums as surely i’m not the only one who has suffered and is still suffering now!

Just reading about other peoples experiences has made me realise it’s a VERY common condition but affects you in different ways, but it’s the one subject that is still very private to you, especially if you can’t admit it to yourself. For me, finding peoples post about depression was a great as it helped me a lot in my own way ( a way i cannot explain in words)

Normally I’m blogging about silly things, day to day going on’s and just generally anything an everything that crops up in my life, which i’m going to carry on doing, but to be honest the reason I started this blog is for my son. I want him to know what happened when he came into my life, how i felt and the reasons i love him…but i have to go back to the beginning…..! and unfortunately for me it was Pre-Natal Depression! it hit me hard and fast……knocked me down and peed on me!

I think post-natal depression is talked about a lot but what about PRE-NATAL DEPRESSION! the depression that sets in before your baby is pushed, pulled, forced into this world? awww bless them….ha. i hope i’m not judged and i’m sure most mum’s will have there own opinions!

But back to the beginning……!

My pregnancy was blighted with problems from the word go: bleeding in early pregnancy and Alfie being diagnosed with his heart condition TGA (transposition of the great arteries) when i was five months pregnant. I want to write about this in a series of posts….for him and to share my experiences to help other mum’s in similar situations, I want Alfie to read this when he grows up so he can see what we both went through! i’m just going to be very honest about the situation and i’m going to set up a page named Our journey and put all the posts in there…….!

https://beingmumisjust.wordpress.com/category/alfies-heart/

So onto the title: Pre-Natal Depression #1. Firstly I was living in Spain (ha yep, young, footloose and baby free) no baby plans…..! BUT opppps i became pregnant with my boyfriend at the time. He’s lived over there for over 15 years and we planned on having and raising our baby in Spain. I have good friends over there, registered as a resident and everything seemed fine, the way of life is just sooo stress free and easy going…..

But Yep that didn’t last long……at 6 weeks BANG i began bleeeeeeding 😦 ……so i went straight to emergency…it’s pretty scary being in a Spanish hospital when you can’t speak fluent Spanish, i was very lucky as my friend speaks fluent Spanish so she came with me, (her husband is Spanish and she was pregnant at the same time which was Brilliant and a big help)

…They said i needed to rest and my little bubble was fine…I had to keep going back for check ups every week, the bleed started at 6 weeks and i just kept bleeding in dribs and drabs until i was like 12 weeks! I can honestly say the Spanish hospitals and Doctors were FANTASTIC! AND I MEAN FANTASTIC! i wasn’t in a private or tourist English speaking hospital….It was just your normal local hospital!……(i was working over there and paying into the system so was treated as a normal resident)

Well At 16 weeks we found out we was having a boy! Ok i’m shallow, i admit i was adamant and believed i was having a girl and therefore cried in devastation! ha….Yep tears and everything! i’ll be honest I don’t think i’m the most maternal mummy in the world, it just doesn’t come naturally to me, some mum’s have to work at it and some don’t….my own mum’s the same and look how we turned out, pretty fine i think! Me and my brother both have strong work ethics, a lot of respect for my mum and i can talk to my mum about anything and everything, even when we was little my friends use to speak to MY MUM more than theirs! I’m the kind of mum that wants to do right by my Alfie, make sure he has his trust fund, a mum he can be proud off, a mum who will work hard for what he has, he needs to be out there and fending for himself (obviously with my help), which is what he is like now…..independent and strong willed – hence why the terrible two’s are so terrible for us. Its going to be a great attribute he will have when he’s older but now its just plain FRUSTRATING AND STRESSFUL! Ha 🙂

Well back to my story, being told at my five month scan (in broken English) that my baby had a serious heart condition was just…..i just don’t have the words to explain how i felt at that time, devastation does not cover it.

We was told he might not live, he might be brain damaged, they offered me an abortion at 20 weeks and then again at 24 weeks (when i came back to England that is), that’s how serious it was. They said he will need a series of operations, he might not survive and that they just couldn’t tell how seriously ill he would be until he was born!

I had to travel to the main city hospital the next day (two hours on a coach to somewhere i had never been before in my life)!! no waiting around like you would in England, they booked me an appointment for the next day…..! I WAS POOHING MY PANTS TO SAY THE LEAST, again luckily my Spanish speaking friend came with me….she got the time off work and traveled there and back, showed me where the hospital was, waited around with me, she was a god send. I was seen by 4-5 different doctors, cardiologists and she was brilliant at translating everything for me….without her….God i couldn’t imagine!

Well all this just threw me into a spin….imagine having a little baby inside you, growing and living off you, relying on you for everything and knowing that without my oxygen his little body would just crumble – ahhhh ok this is what normally happens in pregnancy ha! OK well it just felt like for me i was trapped, there was no way i was going to have an abortion, no way! what ever happened, happened.

Now Alfie’s 2nd cousin Conner (well Alfie’s dad’s cousin) was born with heart conditions and from an operation that went wrong when he was just two years old, he is completely brain damaged but do you know what! he is lovely…..! he’s now 18 and just fantastic, his mum is a super star, trust me….and to be honest, if his mum can do it, so could i! If Alfie was completely brain damaged i would just get on with it wouldn’t i…..! but at least i knew what the worse could happen if he was…. and it wouldn’t be the worst would it? he would be here and that’s all that would of mattered! i would just come to live in that situation, it wouldn’t change how much i loved him, just meant for me, making more sacrifices but i would off anyway, no questions! PROBABLY WOULD OF MADE ME A BETTER MUM THAN WHAT I FEEL LIKE I AM NOW HA! it was great because i could see first hand what could happen if Alfie was brain damaged which i feel very lucky for as i presume, not many mum’s to be in my situation would have the chance.

hope that makes sense ha!

So after finding out about his heart, i came back to England..Lots of reasons really, One i lost my job, (over there if your pregnant its not good for business, i was working in a pub) and me and my boyfriend just couldn’t afford everything on our own so i moved back and he stayed there to keep his job going so we could move back over once everything was ok with our little baby…..! i was devastated on the plane home, cried all the way back!

Well back to the Pre-Natal Depression part – Well for me i couldn’t bond with Alfie at all, i just blocked it all out, i couldn’t buy him stuff….I was given most of his stuff, buggy, Moses basket ect. All i could do was wait….i wanted him out and in the responsibility of the doctors. I couldn’t think about it….if i did it would of drove me insane. My doctors wanted to give me Anti-Depressants which i refused because i didn’t want them to effect my baby, even though i couldn’t bond with my baby the natural instincts kicked in of “protect” “protect” “protect”….but i’m afraid to say i became a recluse really….just sat in my Nan’s most days watching Jeremy Kyle repeats ha! when i did venture out it was too the shops or to the hospital…..just felt very lonely and i couldn’t speak to no one about it as when i tried they would try and think of the right words to say but it was just your usual….”it will be ok” “don’t worry” ……it was just a waiting game, nervous and anticipation, not being able to bond or enjoy being pregnant just in case……! it was the only way i could protect myself against self destruction in case the worse did happen….! looking back now two and a half years on i just feel guilt and sickly for not having that instant bond with him……but hey ho…..this is how i felt, it can’t be changed and i’m not going to pretend otherwise!

When it came to my hospital appointments and scans the usual for me was “oh good he still has a hole in his heart” (that was a good thing) imagine that…..thinking a hole in your baby’s heart is a GOOD THING! well for Alfie it was, it meant he had a stronger chance of survival because the oxygen was getting through the hole into the rest of his body…..the only problem with that is when a baby has a problem with one of their organs their body automatically tries to repair anything else so that hole was at risk at closing up…..

So my Alfie baby, i hope your reading this and i’m probably grey and wrinkled by now! but i hope this helps you understand why you can’t have Tattoos and can’t lift extreme heavy weights! oh and why we visit the dentist every 6 months and i force you to brush your teeth morning, afternoon and night!

Just keep reading up the posts my baby cakes! xx

seaside – town – dumping – grounds

Being mum is just….Well today it’s a little lousy to be honest, I’ve had to fight Alfie every step of the way out this morning….From him having his breakfast – getting him dressed – his early morning burst of screams (5.20AM) – brushing his teeth, god that kid has been a complete nightmare! It’s like he woke up this morning and thought, “right! What can I do to wind my mummy up to the extreme on a Monday morning while she needs to get ready for work”

– So all this resulted in me having a mini break down on the way to work, oh and at work! YES THE TEARS OF A BROKEN MUMMY WERE FLOWING and now I feel like a complete dim wit and very embarrassed letting me work colleagues see the mental broken women inside me. Just to say normally I’m pretty good at putting a game face on, but the last straw came when Alfie started kicking the door to my car and taking 15 minutes to get him buckled in – because I didn’t let him open the gate, then arriving at my mums, the buggy wouldn’t steer properly in the hall so he decided to ram it into the wall and stamp on it, then hit me because he felt like it but the silver lining is, on days like today, I know I’m off on holiday in TWO WEEKS! So only TWO MORE WEEKS of Alfie-ness and his terrible ways, hitting, punching, biting…….! YEP HE’S STARTED BITING L then a week of bliss! Rhodes here we come….. Sun, Sea, Alcohol, Alcohol and NOOOOOO KIDS!!!!!!

Now don’t get me wrong if the kids were older we would be looking to take them abroad with us but ours are 2 ½ and Andy’s 3 ½. Now some mums may look at me and think I’m selfish but after the terrible year I’ve had so far I think I deserve it. Me and Andy work hard, our kids don’t go without, are well dressed and all we are getting in return at the moment is stress, tantrums (over the silliest things) day in and day out. So yep we decide to go abroad with two of our friends, mums having Alfie (good luck mum ;-)) and I’m going to relax and enjoy a week of me time! After my mini breakdown this morning when arriving at work….I think it is much needed!

But reading the Daily Mail today, you can tell why most people go abroad on holiday – I mean the heading the article says it all really and then you click to read and there’s a massive advert for British Airways and cheap flights, made me chuckle at the irony of it really…..!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2384597/Our-seaside-town-dumping-grounds-Faded-resorts-filled-workless-cost-2bn-benefits.html

We’re thinking of taking the kids to Butlins for a weekend in September which I’m pretty scared at the thought of, but like Andy keeps telling me……..ok I can’t remember as I just block it out when he says Kids, Weekend and holiday in one sentences but I can tell you one things for sure….we won’t be going anywhere named in these articles…..! So good one daily mail…..you have made everyone realise why we won’t be taking our families to the places in your article 🙂 and saved me the hassle of researching a nice place to go on our family weekend away! 🙂

 

 

Saturday Fun – More Like Saturday bum!

Ok, i wrote a post on Saturday about my ambitions for the weekend! (WELL SATURDAY) called Saturday fun and i’m really ashamed to admit it, it went out the window, down the street, into a lamp post and crash landed in my nan’s bed! and turned into Saturday Bum.

I was just soooo tired – My Alfie has now taken to coming into my bed near enough every day between 5 and 6 AM (really! 5am HE IS CRAZY!) so basically my tactic has been to take him down stairs, set him up on the sofa, fresh nappy, warm milk and oh yes THE IPAD!!!! HE WORKS THAT THING LIKE ITS HIS LEFT ARM! it’s my savior! and try and get some extra zzzz’s in but I did try the “ill get up with him and do the house workey bits!” but to be honest, normally, i just grab a blanket and roll on the sofa with him!

Now i’m a massive sleeper, mum use to call me the horizontal queen and joked if i could take  my bed to work i would! so being woken up so early is starting to take effect, i’m a grouch bag in the mornings, and my boyfriend has now started calling me the one eye GROUCHY princess as i sort of walk around the house with one eye open in the mornings, growling as i go!

Well anyway…. I dropped Alfie off with his Auntie Alice and Uncle Warren Saturday morning, left after taking him to the park to get him warmed up, went home, made the boys breakfast (as in boys i mean, the boyfriend, his brother who came to stay for the weekend and my boyfriends little one)….got moaned at as my lovely boyfriends bacon was too anemic for him (well next time he can do it his blinking self) but then got a phone call off my mum to go round my nans (where she resides, no children and lay in’s, god i’m jealous)

so it was a choice between, getting in the shower, shaving the bikini line to go swimming with the three lads left in my life for the two days, to get tormented, splashed at, and attacked all afternoon or sneakily go to my mum’s and have a secret nap?

i’m sure you can guess what happened! so all in all, i caught up on some sleep (an awesome uninterrupted 3 hours in my Nan’s bed) BUT only to ruin it by going out Saturday night, drinking my weight in alcohol, ruining my gorgeous new shoes in the rain, having a stupid 2 hour sleep (yep Alfie’s early morning wake up calls have now programmed my body to wake up at 7.30am) and then suffering all day yesterday sitting in my boyfriends superman jog pants and his top on the air bed watching 5 films which was not the greatest way to spend my Alfie free time! but hey ho, it was worth it for the great night out we had! and Alfie came home 6pm, chilled and sleepy after a couple of long active days with Alice and Warren. He was settled by 7 🙂 They got some amazing pictures which i want to share once she has emailed them to me!

Awesome weekend, just not what i planned 🙂

Saturday Fun

Well today being mum is just…….having a break from my little man! and all about the Saturday fun!

His uncle and auntie are taking him to a swimming pool party! and attempting to have him over night again ha! This is going to be funny, as the last time my brother dropped him off after having him stay over night it looked like he was about to curl up and die! Alfie was a pain in the neck but hopefully, fingers crossed, wishing to god, he will be great! as if he is great! come on god please?! it means more babysitting from the uncle and auntie which is always a good thing right?! (when they have kids i will move to a different part of the country haha)

Now my brother’s girlfriend is awesome, she absolutely loves kids and offered to take Alfie to this pool party as she is also taking her niece…..Alfie loves her and she is soo nice, sweet and just awesome! great auntie material for my precious boy!

Now I’ve warned her:

1….. Alfie loves swimming – expect screams getting him out

2…..Alfie flaps when he runs – maybe be to just run after him

3…..GOOOOOOOD LUCK I’m going out for the night, Phone on Silent haha! only joking will have my phone if needed (but opps it’s expecting to have an accident on Saturday which means it will only work past 4pm on Sunday afternoon) 😉

he he!

Ha love this swimming cossy!

Ha love this swimming cossy!

So with Alfie sorted, a full 24 hours to myself – hmmm what to do??

As other parenting websites would say…..enjoy, go and have a picnic – I DO JUST WITH KIDS HANGING OFF MY LIMBS WHERES THE FUN GOING ON MY OWN, have a nice relaxing bath – EXCUSE ME, I BATH EVERY NIGHT, watch a soppy film -HA YES I’M SURE I’VE SEEN THE NOTEBOOK PLENTY OF TIMES WHEN KIDS ARE IN BED….so yeah yeah what ever….back to reality….I’m a working mum with a kiddie – i have washing, cleaning and crafting to do! so my plan is to…..

Make the kids toy box! i’m not sure if you have read my blog on the toy box i made for my old house

Link Below:

http://minimixkidsdesigns.wordpress.com/2013/07/16/toy-box-hugger-want-a-free-one/

So now I’m going to make one for our play room conservatory! I’ve had the bits sitting there for a while now so just deciding on the theme and will get crafting!! 🙂

will post some pictures when it’s done! wish me luck 🙂

Wellies and Shorts

Ok……Right….This is my day soooo far!

Alfie comes into Mummy at 6.00AM!!!!! why oh why!!!!! so being mum is just…..a sleepy tired mess today 🙂 same as every other day REALLY haha!

Right so my conversation with my lovely fella before bed last night…..

Me: if i’m up at 6, don’t expect me to stay awake later than 10 tonight!

Fella: but its Friday

Me: what! you going to get up with Alfie?

Fella: ha remember this statement “awww babe, i can lay in….i have no responsibilities” then finished it off with a little dance….!

Me: throws a pillow at his head…..the two fingers made an appearance ! yep i’m a silent finger one!! 🙂

Ok fair enough, i was a little over excited when i had no Alfie for a few weeks (just gone) and rubbed it in a little when we had my fella’s little man over the weekends

BUT DON’T HE UNDERSTAND!!!! that was then, this is NOW and i NEED SLEEP!!!!!

So anyway back to today! Got up with Alf and watched some ITV or whatever it is at that time! sewed some key rings for our craft fair coming up got about 4 done!! watched some interesting articles about teacher presents, yes will be blogging about that one later…..got the washing up done, put some washing on, managed to have time to moisturise my body after the shower (wow, normally i’m getting dressed WET)  so feeling pretty please with myself as normally i attempt the stupid idea that if i lay down and Alfie lays on the other sofa sorted with his nappy changed and juice bottle i might get 5 minutes of snooze time but obviously its a losing battle and we end up in a huff! ha!

but getting Alfie dressed!! ha!! well he’s going to be a style icon! wellies and shorts in 29 degrees! oh and his t-shirt says: Sorry Girls i “Heart” my mum…..well i’m sure that’s not going to be the case when he’s older…..!!

What was the point in upsetting him by putting his sandals on! Happy Alfie = Happy Mummy (with his sandals in his Nursery bag for the Childminder to put on him) ha! wicked glint in my eye! LOVE MY CHILDMINDER!

So yes loving the Wellies and Shorts combo

Wellies and ShortsWellies and Shorts

Selling these at craft shows

Selling these at craft shows