Being mum is just….. It’s a lot if things really. Depression being one of them…..and i really do hope these posts help other mums as surely i’m not the only one who has suffered and is still suffering now!
Just reading about other peoples experiences has made me realise it’s a VERY common condition but affects you in different ways, but it’s the one subject that is still very private to you, especially if you can’t admit it to yourself. For me, finding peoples post about depression was a great as it helped me a lot in my own way ( a way i cannot explain in words)
Normally I’m blogging about silly things, day to day going on’s and just generally anything an everything that crops up in my life, which i’m going to carry on doing, but to be honest the reason I started this blog is for my son. I want him to know what happened when he came into my life, how i felt and the reasons i love him…but i have to go back to the beginning…..! and unfortunately for me it was Pre-Natal Depression! it hit me hard and fast……knocked me down and peed on me!
I think post-natal depression is talked about a lot but what about PRE-NATAL DEPRESSION! the depression that sets in before your baby is pushed, pulled, forced into this world? awww bless them….ha. i hope i’m not judged and i’m sure most mum’s will have there own opinions!
But back to the beginning……!
My pregnancy was blighted with problems from the word go: bleeding in early pregnancy and Alfie being diagnosed with his heart condition TGA (transposition of the great arteries) when i was five months pregnant. I want to write about this in a series of posts….for him and to share my experiences to help other mum’s in similar situations, I want Alfie to read this when he grows up so he can see what we both went through! i’m just going to be very honest about the situation and i’m going to set up a page named Our journey and put all the posts in there…….!
So onto the title: Pre-Natal Depression #1. Firstly I was living in Spain (ha yep, young, footloose and baby free) no baby plans…..! BUT opppps i became pregnant with my boyfriend at the time. He’s lived over there for over 15 years and we planned on having and raising our baby in Spain. I have good friends over there, registered as a resident and everything seemed fine, the way of life is just sooo stress free and easy going…..
But Yep that didn’t last long……at 6 weeks BANG i began bleeeeeeding 😦 ……so i went straight to emergency…it’s pretty scary being in a Spanish hospital when you can’t speak fluent Spanish, i was very lucky as my friend speaks fluent Spanish so she came with me, (her husband is Spanish and she was pregnant at the same time which was Brilliant and a big help)
…They said i needed to rest and my little bubble was fine…I had to keep going back for check ups every week, the bleed started at 6 weeks and i just kept bleeding in dribs and drabs until i was like 12 weeks! I can honestly say the Spanish hospitals and Doctors were FANTASTIC! AND I MEAN FANTASTIC! i wasn’t in a private or tourist English speaking hospital….It was just your normal local hospital!……(i was working over there and paying into the system so was treated as a normal resident)
Well At 16 weeks we found out we was having a boy! Ok i’m shallow, i admit i was adamant and believed i was having a girl and therefore cried in devastation! ha….Yep tears and everything! i’ll be honest I don’t think i’m the most maternal mummy in the world, it just doesn’t come naturally to me, some mum’s have to work at it and some don’t….my own mum’s the same and look how we turned out, pretty fine i think! Me and my brother both have strong work ethics, a lot of respect for my mum and i can talk to my mum about anything and everything, even when we was little my friends use to speak to MY MUM more than theirs! I’m the kind of mum that wants to do right by my Alfie, make sure he has his trust fund, a mum he can be proud off, a mum who will work hard for what he has, he needs to be out there and fending for himself (obviously with my help), which is what he is like now…..independent and strong willed – hence why the terrible two’s are so terrible for us. Its going to be a great attribute he will have when he’s older but now its just plain FRUSTRATING AND STRESSFUL! Ha 🙂
Well back to my story, being told at my five month scan (in broken English) that my baby had a serious heart condition was just…..i just don’t have the words to explain how i felt at that time, devastation does not cover it.
We was told he might not live, he might be brain damaged, they offered me an abortion at 20 weeks and then again at 24 weeks (when i came back to England that is), that’s how serious it was. They said he will need a series of operations, he might not survive and that they just couldn’t tell how seriously ill he would be until he was born!
I had to travel to the main city hospital the next day (two hours on a coach to somewhere i had never been before in my life)!! no waiting around like you would in England, they booked me an appointment for the next day…..! I WAS POOHING MY PANTS TO SAY THE LEAST, again luckily my Spanish speaking friend came with me….she got the time off work and traveled there and back, showed me where the hospital was, waited around with me, she was a god send. I was seen by 4-5 different doctors, cardiologists and she was brilliant at translating everything for me….without her….God i couldn’t imagine!
Well all this just threw me into a spin….imagine having a little baby inside you, growing and living off you, relying on you for everything and knowing that without my oxygen his little body would just crumble – ahhhh ok this is what normally happens in pregnancy ha! OK well it just felt like for me i was trapped, there was no way i was going to have an abortion, no way! what ever happened, happened.
Now Alfie’s 2nd cousin Conner (well Alfie’s dad’s cousin) was born with heart conditions and from an operation that went wrong when he was just two years old, he is completely brain damaged but do you know what! he is lovely…..! he’s now 18 and just fantastic, his mum is a super star, trust me….and to be honest, if his mum can do it, so could i! If Alfie was completely brain damaged i would just get on with it wouldn’t i…..! but at least i knew what the worse could happen if he was…. and it wouldn’t be the worst would it? he would be here and that’s all that would of mattered! i would just come to live in that situation, it wouldn’t change how much i loved him, just meant for me, making more sacrifices but i would off anyway, no questions! PROBABLY WOULD OF MADE ME A BETTER MUM THAN WHAT I FEEL LIKE I AM NOW HA! it was great because i could see first hand what could happen if Alfie was brain damaged which i feel very lucky for as i presume, not many mum’s to be in my situation would have the chance.
hope that makes sense ha!
So after finding out about his heart, i came back to England..Lots of reasons really, One i lost my job, (over there if your pregnant its not good for business, i was working in a pub) and me and my boyfriend just couldn’t afford everything on our own so i moved back and he stayed there to keep his job going so we could move back over once everything was ok with our little baby…..! i was devastated on the plane home, cried all the way back!
Well back to the Pre-Natal Depression part – Well for me i couldn’t bond with Alfie at all, i just blocked it all out, i couldn’t buy him stuff….I was given most of his stuff, buggy, Moses basket ect. All i could do was wait….i wanted him out and in the responsibility of the doctors. I couldn’t think about it….if i did it would of drove me insane. My doctors wanted to give me Anti-Depressants which i refused because i didn’t want them to effect my baby, even though i couldn’t bond with my baby the natural instincts kicked in of “protect” “protect” “protect”….but i’m afraid to say i became a recluse really….just sat in my Nan’s most days watching Jeremy Kyle repeats ha! when i did venture out it was too the shops or to the hospital…..just felt very lonely and i couldn’t speak to no one about it as when i tried they would try and think of the right words to say but it was just your usual….”it will be ok” “don’t worry” ……it was just a waiting game, nervous and anticipation, not being able to bond or enjoy being pregnant just in case……! it was the only way i could protect myself against self destruction in case the worse did happen….! looking back now two and a half years on i just feel guilt and sickly for not having that instant bond with him……but hey ho…..this is how i felt, it can’t be changed and i’m not going to pretend otherwise!
When it came to my hospital appointments and scans the usual for me was “oh good he still has a hole in his heart” (that was a good thing) imagine that…..thinking a hole in your baby’s heart is a GOOD THING! well for Alfie it was, it meant he had a stronger chance of survival because the oxygen was getting through the hole into the rest of his body…..the only problem with that is when a baby has a problem with one of their organs their body automatically tries to repair anything else so that hole was at risk at closing up…..
So my Alfie baby, i hope your reading this and i’m probably grey and wrinkled by now! but i hope this helps you understand why you can’t have Tattoos and can’t lift extreme heavy weights! oh and why we visit the dentist every 6 months and i force you to brush your teeth morning, afternoon and night!
Just keep reading up the posts my baby cakes! xx